Do you have a case of the fasts ?

In an attempt to enlighten my lesser educated car comrades, I have created a new system devoted entirely to measuring the performance of vehicles.

There are three categories in which a vehicle can score points, these are:

- Fasts

- Grunt 

- Awesomes

I have done away with the traditional method of measuring horsepower & torque using a dynamometer, electing instead to rate cars on a more ’seat of the pants’ style feel, and awarding points out of ten in each category.

This makes things a lot easier to understand, especially for the layman & girls. Now we shall cover the basics…

How many units of fast your car has depends entirely on whether it’s capable of 1. feeling impressive whilst accelerating, 2. actually out-accelerating other cars that appear to have a case of the fasts, and 3. can get up to high speeds easily. This is the main way of measuring a car’s fastitudity.

As far as grunt is concerned… this is more measured in the sheer torque the engine puts through to the ground. Typically only large displacement motors will qualify to have over 7 units of grunt. When the driver floors it, if the car heaves forward instantly accelerating hard… then the engine definitely produces grunt… alternatively, if one can wheelspin just by flooring the accelerator pedal, this is another dead giveaway that grunt is a byproduct of the engine. Typically, the more grunt a car has, the more fasts it tends to be capable of earning.

Lastly… how many awesomes a car has is in fact a more general unit of measure. It comprises of a number of factors including (but not limited to) fasts and grunt. It is also however, rated on looks, braking, handling, and general cred the car gets. It is possible for a car to be of high awesomeninity even without possessing many fasts or grunts… however this can tend to be a subjective rating.

The ideal vehicle scores 10 in all three categories, making it the ideal car to have.

If this rating system isn’t for you… well then, I couldn’t honestly give two shits ! You can’t deny however, the infallible logic inherent in the FGA rating system.

I’d have to say my word for today is… FUCK. Why ? Well…. just FUCK. OH MY GOSH, HE SAID FUCK !! LOOK AT ALL THE OLD AGE PENSIONERS DROPPING DEAD FROM HEART ATTACKS DUE TO THE TERRIBLE VULGAR LANGUAGE BEING EXPRESSED !!!

Whatever.